Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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