I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
