I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
