I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
