he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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