i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
