I faked an abortion last night.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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