I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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