we're chasing vodka with high fives
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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