just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Randomize
