the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
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