The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
