Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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