why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
