Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
