Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
