i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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