they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
