I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
