the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
