I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
