Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
