I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
