he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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