I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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