What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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