I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
