Already got asked if we're dating
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
