i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
