my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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