The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
