I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
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