I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
