Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
