how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
