I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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