he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
