I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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