two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
My cat gives me a boner
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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