I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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