what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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