Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
