No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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