This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
