I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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