I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
