whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
