bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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