She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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