Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
